Fall Into The Sky
by Darthanne
Summary: As their relationship develops, Trowa realises the depth of his feelings for Quatre, but the distance between them is creating heartache and self doubt. ( 3x4 )


Fall Into The Sky

By Anne Olsen

Rating/warnings : This fic has been rated in accordance with the approved TTFF rating system.

OK (Oz/Kiwi spelling/grammar etc) – PG – Angst, sexual refs. 

Pairings: 3x4

Authors notes: This fic is part of the 'Outlasting Time' arc, which is obviously being written way out of order. It bridges 'A Not So Straight Flush' and 'At Your Side'. For more information and to read the other stories in the series please visit 

Summary: As their relationship develops Trowa realises the depth of his feelings for Quatre, but the distance between them is creating heartache and self doubt. 

Disclaimer: Gundam Wing belongs to Bandai, Sunrise and Sotsu Agency. I promise to return the boys in one piece, more or less, when I'm finished, but hold no liability for any broken bones or psychological trauma sustained by them in my fiction. 

Thanks to: Bast, Sakura and Raletha for beta reading, long discussions and support. Also to Kashie for the gorgeous gift art of angsty Quatre which you can find on the 'Outlasting Time' page. 

Feedback to: anneo @ paradise.net.nz

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~ AC 196 ~

"Are you sure you'll be okay, Trowa?" Cathy tucked her purse under her arm after pausing at the door of their shared trailer. 

Resisting the urge to smile at her sisterly concern, Trowa instead nodded his reassurance. "I do know how to cook, Cathy." 

"There's leftover soup in the fridge if you get desperate," she reminded him. "Dolores said you're more than welcome to eat with her if you want some company," Cathy waggled one finger, "though I doubt you will. Sometimes I think you're too darn solitary for your own good. You need to get out and about more, Tro, and mix with others your own age." 

__

But they aren't the company I want. They're not Quatre. 

"You're going to be late," Trowa told her, moving over to the counter to pour a cup of coffee. As though realising she was wasting her time with _that_ particular line of conversation, Cathy shrugged, gave him a cheery wave, and left to enjoy her night out with her friends. 

A part of him was relieved that she'd taken up the dinner invitation; he needed time alone and lately Cathy seemed to be on a mission to get him to socialise, whether he wanted to or not. She'd also made a couple of remarks as to whether he had a girlfriend stashed away, convinced that the time he'd taken off over the past six months to meet Quatre had been more than just the visits to an old friend he'd told her they'd been. On several occasions Trowa had noticed her observing him but she'd never commented on the reason for her smile. He knew he felt different after being with Quatre, but doubted he had been that obvious. After all he was an experienced infiltrator, practiced at hiding the truth and this situation was no different. 

He hated hiding his relationship with Quatre from her, but it was for the best. Trowa cared for Cathy, loved her as though she really were his sister. In all the ways which mattered they were family, yet he wasn't sure how she would react to the revelation that her adopted brother was in love with another man. Similarly he couldn't take the risk that Quatre's family might discover the truth, so the fewer people who knew the better. 

There was no way he would allow Quatre's reputation to be tarnished simply because they'd chosen to be together. In a perfect world no one would care if they were in love, and that Quatre Raberba Winner was involved with someone who, in the eyes of the Winner family, was totally unsuitable for their brother in every way imaginable. From what Quatre had told him about his family they weren't close, and had very definite ideas about how he should find a nice girl, preferably someone from a well known wealthy family, settle down and busy himself with the task of 'making' the next heir. Unfortunately Trowa wasn't able to fulfil any of those criteria because he didn't have a name of his own to give. Nor was he rich, and providing his lover with offspring wasn't possible because of the slight problem of his sex. He was also certain the Winners wouldn't be highly impressed with the idea of Quatre being in a homosexual relationship. 

Quatre had laughed after informing Trowa of his family's ideal requirements for his partner in life, but Trowa could sense the underlying pain. He also knew Quatre felt a high sense of obligation and carried a lot of guilt following the death of his father. Quatre rarely spoke of his father, or his childhood, and even then not without a sense of sadness, pain and regret. Most of his memories were spoken of as though they belonged to someone else and on some level never existed. 

It was true he spoke of some things with a certain fondness, such as the day Alimah had introduced him to his love for music. But when it came to events directly connected to his father, the barriers went up to form a wall that even Trowa was not allowed to penetrate. 

One day Trowa would coax Quatre out from behind that wall; he needed to talk about whatever had happened between himself and his father. As far as Trowa was aware none of the Winners, apart from Alimah and Iria, knew that Quatre had been a Gundam pilot, although he'd been vocal enough about his views on pacifism. Quatre believed in it in principle, but he couldn't just stand by and do nothing while people died – he had always said that doing that equated to killing by inaction and Trowa agreed. 

Not protecting those he cared about had never been a viable option. 

In a way that was what Trowa was doing now – protecting Quatre from those who would harm him. At first he'd thought that maybe his choice of wording was too strong, but after working through possible scenarios, Trowa had decided it was more apt than he'd first thought. He didn't think for a moment that Quatre's family would inflict physical harm on his lover, but he knew enough about human nature to know there were far more effective and subtle ways to deal with someone who was an embarrassment or liability. This was especially true if you had the power and money to do so, and the Winners certainly weren't lacking in resources. For all Quatre's insistence that he didn't care what his family thought of his choices in life, Trowa knew he cared a lot more than he was prepared to admit, even to himself. Those closest were able to hurt with their words and actions much more than strangers, and there was no way he would let his lover go through that kind of heartache. 

He'd only met one of Quatre's sisters, Alimah, and that had been briefly when he'd stayed with Quatre on L4 six months previously. The others he'd only heard about when Quatre spoke of them, and even then he found it hard to remember which was which. 

Had it really been six months since they'd finally admitted their feelings for each other? It had been difficult finding the words to finally tell Quatre, and even then Quatre had known long before Trowa had been able to put his feelings into words. 

"I love you."

Three simple words but yet they meant so much. _I love you. I want to be a part of your life in the same way I hope you want to be a part of mine._

They'd come so close to losing each other; there was no way he was going to run the risk of it happening again. If Quatre had died after Libra before Trowa had told him how he felt…

Draining the last of his coffee and placing the cup in the sink, Trowa smiled, remembering a conversation from several weeks before. They'd been sitting up in bed, the blankets pulled around them after a particularly enthusiastic round of lovemaking, when Quatre had turned to him with a shy smile.

"I did know," he'd said, running one hand through his tousled locks, the early morning sun highlighting the gold of his hair.

Trowa had brought his head up in surprise at the statement. "Know what?" he'd asked. 

"I knew what you felt for me was more than just friendship." Quatre paused, squeezing his hand after Trowa had moved over in the bed to embrace him. 

"I guess I knew you did too," Trowa admitted, running his lips over Quatre's forehead. When they were close like this, the smell of Quatre's soap and shampoo and the softness of the blond's hair tickling against his skin never failed to fill Trowa with what he could only describe as a warm glow. _Is this contentment?_ he wondered, marvelling, not for the first time, at the sensation.

Quatre snuggled in closer, sighing. _He's as happy to be here with me as I am with him,_ Trowa realised, enjoying the feel of Quatre's touch as his lover brought his free hand to brush the hair off Trowa's face so that both his eyes were visible. 

Their eyes met, and they each examined the other solemnly, as though they could read the other's soul with the intensity of their gazes. "I never want to make that mistake again," Quatre had told him. "In the future, if we need to tell each other something, let's agree to find the courage to do it no matter how scared we are of the consequences."

Nodding - he didn't want to spoil the moment - Trowa agreed. He knew how much it meant to Quatre and how true the words were, at least in theory. Leaning over to nibble on his lover's ear, he decided that, for now, he just wanted to enjoy the time they had together.

"Are you trying to distract me?" Quatre chuckled. Trowa almost pulled away, but found the will-power to shake his head. No, he wanted to do this, it wasn't just a distraction. "Not that I'm complaining," Quatre continued, and then his voice grew sad. "I wish I didn't have to back to L4 today." Turning to Trowa, his eyes suddenly brightened. "Why don't you come with me?" he asked, the tone of his voice reminding Trowa of a child asking for his heart's desire at Christmas. 

"I want to, Cat," Trowa replied. "You know I do, but we've been through this before." 

"Too many times," Quatre pointed out. He shivered and pulled the blankets around him. "Is it too much to ask for you to come home with me for Ghazal's wedding?" Quatre sighed. "You could come as a friend. If you're uncomfortable with people knowing about us being lovers, we don't have to tell them."

"That wouldn't work," Trowa tried to keep his tone gentle but didn't quite succeed. "How long do you thing we'd last before people would work out there was more between us than that? You're no good at hiding your feelings, Quatre."

"Obviously not as good as you are, no." Quatre pulled out of his embrace. "Well, if you won't come I can always ask Duo. He's a friend, he'd come with me."

"Please yourself," Trowa knew he sounded annoyed but he couldn't help it as he tried to ignore what could only be jealously. "Maybe it would be better to have a friend with you, since I can't be." 

"I'd prefer you," Quatre said quietly. "Please, Trowa, we've got to tell them sometime." He paused. "I can't keep going on like this. I need you with me…" 

"I want to be with you," Trowa cupped Quatre's cheek in his hands, pulled him closer again and kissed him. "It's just that I can't. I've already told you I can't get away on that weekend. Why don't we talk about this properly when we meet on L2 later this month?" 

"Promise?" Quatre seemed dubious.

"Promise," Trowa had confirmed, kissing him again. 

Later that evening Quatre left to return home, and Trowa had stayed at the shuttle port long after his flight had left watching the night sky and thinking about what they'd discussed. Quatre was right, they couldn't go on like this, but it wasn't as simple as Quatre insisted. 

__

People are so narrow minded, he thought sadly. _They don't understand that when you find a love like ours, the sex of the other person doesn't matter. I love you Quatre Raberba Winner, and I would love you no matter who you were. _

The next morning after returning to the circus, he'd still felt restless, and Cathy had shoved him out the door with strict instructions to walk off whatever was the cause of it. "Most people would talk through their problems with those who care about them, but I'm not going to waste my time suggesting that," she told him. "I'm here for you when the day comes that you feel you can, but in the meantime go sort yourself out and don't come back until you're coping better." 

He'd taken her advice, wishing he could talk over what was troubling him but knowing he wasn't ready yet. He wasn't even sure how he'd know when he would be ready. His and Quatre's relationship was the most important thing in his life, yet he often felt as though the moments they managed to snatch together were only a dream. 

It had been while walking around the English village that he'd found the square case he now carried in his pocket. He ran a gentle finger over it. The case and its contents were something tangible he could give Quatre for those times they couldn't be together. "True love outlasts time," Trowa whispered the inscription on the old-fashioned pocket watch. They had the rest of their lives; surely waiting a few more months wouldn't hurt? 

Quatre loved him, but he wasn't sure how much longer either of them would survive the pressures put on them by this long distance scenario. 

Removing the case from his pocket, Trowa opened it and laid the watch on one hand, the gold chain pooled underneath it. 

Maybe he should just tell Quatre how he felt? That he wanted this as badly as Quatre did, but couldn't see how they could make it work? What if what they had was working because they weren't together all the time? Quatre had hinted several times about getting a place of their own and putting down roots. It was a feasible scenario considering who he was and his responsibilities, but it was one Trowa had never had the luxury of experiencing. He'd moved around with the mercenaries; being in one place for too long had been dangerous, and now he enjoyed the routine of staying for a short time in a particular venue with the circus, then packing up and moving on. Could he adapt to the stability Quatre would expect? There was a certain exhilaration to be found in discovering new places and people on a regular basis; settling down with Quatre would mean giving that up. 

Though the thought of exploring a life together with Quatre was tempting, and promised a whole new level of excitement and experience.

But what if that excitement didn't last? Living with someone everyday was completely different to just seeing them every so often. What if their quirks grew into annoying habits; did he want to take that chance? Wasn't it better to grasp onto what they had now, and to give themselves more time to get to know each other better first, before taking that huge step? They were only young, most young men their age were still in school, not considering settling down into a serious full time relationship.

Yes, but most young men their age weren't Gundam pilots who had fought in a war and saved the Earth and colonies from destruction. 

Quatre's family weren't aware of the fact he was a Gundam pilot, how could he explain to them how he'd met or connected with Trowa, when he couldn't tell the truth? Trowa had no background or family history which would compare to Quatre's – he didn't even know who he really was – and explaining how he'd come to be using the name Trowa Barton wasn't an option, at least not to the Winners. _Trowa_ was comfortable using the name he'd borrowed, but that was in part because to Quatre he would always be his Trowa. When he was alone in bed, and missing his lover's warm body snuggled against his own, other thoughts sometimes came as he wondered who he really was and how things might have turned out if he had remained Nanashi. 

No, now they'd found each other, the thought of life without Quatre was unbearable. Trowa sighed, visualising Quatre's gentle smile, the sound of his voice, the way his voice trembled with emotion when he said 'I love you.' When he was with Quatre it didn't seem to matter that he didn't have a past or anything to offer his lover but himself. 

But when they were apart, like now, it was harder to rid himself of the doubt. 

The last phone call from Quatre had helped; he hadn't realised how much he'd needed to hear his voice, yet there had been a sense of something Trowa couldn't put his finger on. Quatre had seemed nervous, but had changed the subject when Trowa had asked him if there were anything wrong. 

"I was just wishing I had company for the wedding," Quatre had said. "I'm looking forward to it, but…"

"What about Duo, weren't you going to ask him?" There had been an awkward silence after the question, and Trowa, remembering the conversation in the hotel room, wondered if he should have asked. 

"He's due back at work," Quatre's tone had been stilted, the pain in his voice causing Trowa to regret his earlier decision not to be by his lover's side.

"I do miss you, Quatre. I'm sorry I can't be with you," Trowa paused, ignoring the sadness he could feel from the other boy, even at this distance, and the sudden pang of envy that Duo had at least been able to spend time with Quatre when he couldn't. Duo and Quatre were close; Quatre had often described the other pilot as his best friend, it was good that he had a friend to give him the company that Trowa couldn't at the present. 

"Duo," Quatre started to say, but then stopped. "I miss you too, love," Quatre continued, and Trowa could hear the yearning in his voice.

__

I'_m sorry, Cat. I should be with you now, when you need me. _

Wishing he could do something to help Quatre's emotional pain, Trowa had suggested the one thing he knew always helped. It had only taken a detailed description of how very much Trowa would delight in slowly undoing Quatre's top shirt button, his tongue languidly lapping at his breastbone, and suckling at the pale skin underneath, to entice the reaction he'd anticipated. The query, with a low chuckle, as to whether he was sure there was no danger of Cathy interrupting, sent a shiver through Trowa as he realised Quatre was as keen as he was. 

"Leave the visuals off, my love," Trowa had suggested. "It's easier to imagine we're together if I close my eyes." Soon, they would be able to do this for real; was it right to keep settling for a substitute when there was an option? "After all we don't want to make this too um, hard, do we?" He smirked. "Or maybe we do?"

Quatre laughed. "Good choice of words. Do you want to start or shall I?" He paused, and Trowa could hear the satisfied smile reflected in his voice. "And this _is_ much more fun without the visuals."

"I thought I already had," Trowa reminded him, "or are you implying you could do better?" 

"I don't need to imply," Quatre said smugly. "Do you remember that massage oil I brought with me last time?"

Nodding, Trowa grew hard at the memory. "Yes," he whispered; the feel of naked skin against naked skin slick with the heavily scented oil wasn't something he was ever going to forget. Quatre's fingers had been firm against his chest, spreading the oil carefully all over, gradually working lower and lower…

The watch slipped out of his fingertips and into his palm, the pressure of the chain against his skin snapping him out of his memories to bring him back to the present with a jolt. 

__

I miss you, my love. The words echoed over and over through Trowa's mind, and he fought the temptation to pick up the phone and tell Quatre that he'd made a mistake – that they shouldn't be trying to do something they were both struggling with. 

No, he needed to be strong for both of them. The longer they could wait, the better it would be, the more chance there was that Quatre's family would accept his decision, and it would also give Trowa a chance to adjust to family life with Cathy. It was better to take this one step at a time, rather than acting rashly and giving in to their desires. 

Glancing out the window, he noticed the sun growing lower in the sky – the animals needed feeding, and he needed to occupy himself with something to take his mind off Quatre. He closed the door behind him, moving quickly towards the animal enclosures, only pausing to pick up the supplies he needed. 

Kneeling by the lion's cage, he wondered what it would be like to have Quatre by his side now, helping him with the everyday tasks involved in his life here at the circus. Quatre would enjoy the peaceful atmosphere, Trowa decided, and he'd always loved interaction with animals. 

Maybe they shouldn't wait until later that month to meet, but instead try and sort things out sooner? The wedding was over, and he was sure Quatre wouldn't have any problems getting away from WE – it might be good to let him talk about the wedding in person, rather than over the phone – it would help make up for the fact he hadn't been there. Trowa smiled, imagining Quatre's enthusiastic descriptions of his sister and the ceremony. After all he was sure his absence wouldn't have marred the day as much as Quatre had thought, and he would have been surrounded by family with enough going on to take his mind off the fact that Trowa wasn't there. 

Meanwhile, he'd concentrate on his own family, and re-acquainting himself with the surroundings of the circus he'd chosen to call home. 

__

******

"Can I get you anything else, Mr Winner?"

Quatre glanced absently towards the stewardess, his mind on anything but the question she'd asked. "I beg your pardon?" he asked politely, the reflexes he'd learnt during years of sitting through formal dinners enabling him to cover his inattentiveness.

She indicated the empty coffee cup in his hand before repeating her question. "Can I get you anything else, sir?" 

"No thank you, I'm fine," Quatre handed her his cup, and gave her a forced smile. "Thank you for asking." 

He watched the young woman pausing to offer assistance to the other passengers on her journey down the aisle. Then shifting his gaze towards the window, Quatre made a conscious, though ineffectual, effort to attempt to distract himself from his current thoughts. 

Ghazal's wedding had been even worse than he'd anticipated. The ceremony itself had been very emotional, and Quatre had to admit, Ghazal made a beautiful bride. It was a shame it was Glen she had married, but then on another level it made perfect sense. The two of them were so well suited it was scary. He just wished Glen would get it out of his mind that part of his duties as the newest member of the Winner family was to ensure the future happiness of its only son and heir. Quatre rolled his eyes. There was no way he was ever going to consider that man a part of his family, and he was certain the spiel about Quatre's own happiness was a load of proverbial crap. Glen was hoping a nice girl would distract his brother-in-law so that he could worm his way into the company that he was convinced he was _so _much better equipped to run. 

The irony of the situation was that Quatre was distracted enough at present, without Glen rubbing his face in it. Why couldn't he be left alone to pine after his absent lover in peace? 

Stretching, Quatre ran one hand through his messy hair. Was he really pining for Trowa? No, it was reasonable that he'd want to see him after the time they'd spent apart, especially after the overload of emotions he'd had to wade through during the wedding. And of course there was also that nagging guilt about how close he'd come to sleeping with Duo after the events of that damn poker game. [1]

There'd been a good reason why he'd phoned Trowa as soon as Duo had made his excuses and gone to shower. Although Quatre believed what Duo had told him about Trowa, and he'd sensed enough from his lover himself to know it was true, he still couldn't shake the doubt that maybe what he and Trowa perceived as love were two different things. Hearing Trowa's voice had helped to put those fears at ease – it always did – and yet, hours later when the conversation was only a memory, they rose again to taunt him. 

Why did he feel so relaxed and content in Trowa's company, yet so unsure when they were apart? Quatre trusted Trowa or at least he needed to believe he did, but the longer their relationship continued the harder it was becoming to quiet the inner voice which was growing more and more convinced that the love between them was one sided. Could it be possible that Trowa's reluctance to admit they were together was because he didn't have the heart to tell Quatre they needed to end it?

__

I'm an emotional mess, Quatre thought with a sigh, resting his head back on his seat. After deciding he had to talk to Trowa and settle this once and for all, Quatre had caught the first available shuttle to Earth, and then the first flight to Bern. He snorted. It had taken him long enough to follow up on his promise to take Duo's advice and he had to admit his friend was right. Even if Trowa admitted what Quatre feared, at least knowing was a hell of a better scenario than not knowing. 

__

This is ridiculous, he decided. Closing his eyes, Quatre took several deep calming breaths, concentrated, and reached out empathically for a sign of Trowa's presence. 

Loneliness, pain, regret, and an overwhelming feeling of love. 

Quatre's eyes snapped open. _Is Trowa really hurting as much as I am?_ He brought a hand up to wipe the tears filling his eyes at the depth of the emotion he'd sensed, even at this distance, from his lover. Why did he always feel so damn selfish for bringing up these questions? Shouldn't he just be content to enjoy the time they had together rather than run the risk of losing the few wonderful moments they had? 

__

No, I want Trowa by my side. I want him there when I turn to share something I know he'd enjoy. There were too many times when Quatre had been caught up in a moment and turned to Trowa, wanting to share his joy, or a joke, or just the wonder of the moment itself, only to remember he wasn't there, that he didn't _want_ to be there. 

Was that why he'd let himself be carried along by the desire he'd felt from Duo that day? Duo's situation wasn't that much different from his own, except for the fact that Heero wasn't aware of the depth of feeling his friend had for him. Quatre stifled a bitter laugh. Maybe their situations weren't _any_ different at all. Surely Trowa couldn't have any notion of the depth of Quatre's feelings towards him either, or he wouldn't be insisting on this…bloody crap. Yet from the few times they'd spoken of the growing bond between them, Quatre had been convinced the empathic connection was a two way thing; it certainly was when they made love. How could Trowa be aware of how much this long distance scenario was killing him inside, and yet still be so insistent on keeping their relationship a secret? It certainly didn't coincide with Quatre's concept of love. 

__

Aren't you proud of me, Trowa? Is that it? Are you scared to tell anyone because you're ashamed of me, because you're ashamed of us? 

"I love you." 

Trowa had said the words, and Quatre could sense he meant them, but was it possible that he'd had no conception of what those words involved? Trowa wasn't the sort of person who said anything lightly, but why then was the idea of a committed relationship scaring him? Being able to sense his lover's emotions was a double-edged sword. During their love making it took their desire and joining to a height Quatre knew he'd never find with anyone else and yet it also made it hard for them to hide anything from each other. Quatre had never tried to hide anything from Trowa, he'd even tried to talk about the way he'd been feeling the last few times they'd been together, but Trowa had always changed the subject or distracted him. Is that what their love making had come down to - a way for Trowa to distract him so that he wouldn't have to answer those questions he was avoiding, or admit to Quatre that he wanted to end their relationship?

No, he wouldn't give in to that line of thought, he couldn't. 

"I didn't see you complaining when _you_ kissed _me_." [1]

His friend's words echoed through his mind. When had Duo got so bloody observant? Quatre was angry with Trowa, but he was also angry with himself. All his intentions to confront Trowa always faded to be replaced with his desire to make the most of any time he could with the other boy whenever they were together. Even on the phone that day, all it had taken was Trowa's voice, calm and soothing, and the suggestion of phone sex to distract him from his mission. One minute in Trowa's presence and his resolutions melted. How could he be such a level headed strategist on the battlefield, and yet so hopeless when it came to his hormones? 

Hormones had been responsible for the kiss he and Duo had shared too, hadn't they? Quatre had to admit he and Duo had something special between them, something more than friendship. Deciding not to act on those feelings and desires hadn't made them disappear, just placed them out of bounds, where they had to be. Look and not touch, enjoy each other's company but not go further. There was no way he would allow a fling with a friend to destroy the love he and Trowa shared, or allow it to prevent Duo and Heero discovering the relationship they were meant to have. He also had this nagging feeling that if he and Duo embarked on a sexual relationship it would be a mistake. Their friendship was wonderful, but could they provide each other with what was needed to maintain a committed partnership for life? Quatre was sure the sex would be fantastic, but sex on its own wasn't enough, and embarking on a love affair simply because they each thought the person they really wanted was unattainable ran too high a risk of ruining a friendship they both cherished. 

The person he wanted to spend the rest of his life with would have to meet him on the intellectual, emotional and physical planes of intimacy. Anything less wouldn't be fair to himself, or to his partner. He and Trowa complemented each other in so much more than just a battlefield scenario, but this brick wall regarding Trowa's fear was a problem. Quatre wished he knew what was behind his determination to keep their relationship and their everyday lives separate. 

A thought struck him. Could Trowa be worried about Cathy's reaction to his sexual orientation? No, surely not. From what he'd spoken of her, she seemed very supportive. Certainly from Quatre's own brief experience of Trowa's adopted sister during the war, she seemed willing to fight tooth and nail for her brother's welfare, as was Quatre. 

But how would she react when she discovered that her brother's lover was the same person who had left him drifting in space after nearly killing him during the war? _Am I as good for Trowa as I want to think I am? _Quatre groaned aloud. He would protect Trowa from anyone, from anything, but how could he protect the man he loved from himself? What if something happened to bring the dark side of himself to the surface again? Quatre had managed to control the ZERO system the second time he'd used it, but the idea of using it again still scared him, especially as a part of him knew his actions hadn't been totally down to its influence. He'd got into Wing ZERO's cockpit fully aware of what his intentions were, and hadn't been prepared to let anyone stand in his way, and that anyone had included his friends, had included Trowa. And each time he used the system and controlled it, it only made that realisation clearer. At present he was sure he was the only one aware that he couldn't keep blaming the ZERO system for his mistakes, but what would happen when that changed? What would happen when Trowa learned the truth? 

Maybe Trowa was right to be scared of committing to a relationship with him? Was he being selfish expecting Trowa to put his own needs and fears to one side? 

__

I'd put them aside for him. 

It was never a good idea to judge others ideals on your own, and expect them to act the way you would yourself. But Trowa and he thought the same way, had the same moral code, the ethics, or at least he thought they did. Or maybe their interpretations differed more than he'd thought?

__

This is ridiculous. Quatre repeated his earlier thought. He was spending hours going around in circles, coming up with scenarios that probably had no basis in reality in an attempt to work out what was behind this mess, when the answer was very simple. 

All he needed to do was to go to Trowa, confront him, and ask for an explanation. He'd dig his heels in and refuse to move until he got one if that was what it took, and if Trowa couldn't cope, well that was Trowa's problem. Quatre couldn't live the rest of his life not knowing what the hell was going on, not being able to plan his future. He needed to be in control. 

Bloody hell, was that what all this was about - his need to control his own future, rather than be treated as the child his father had always insisted he was? No, surely not. Trowa would never attempt to control him the way his father had. If there was one thing Quatre couldn't handle it was the thought that others weren't being honest with him for his 'own good'. He wasn't some child who needed protecting, he was his own man, a former Gundam pilot with a billion-dollar plus corporation to run. 

__

Then why aren't I acting like one? 

It had been so easy to slip back into the role he'd played so well in his childhood when he'd been arguing with Duo, too easy. He'd been a brat then because he didn't have a very high opinion of himself; was self-doubt also the cause of this? Did he doubt Trowa's ability to love him, _or_ his own ability to be loved? Was he expecting this confrontation with Trowa to end happily ever after or..? Did such a thing even exist for a Gundam pilot? He wasn't sure any of them deserved it – they had too much blood on their hands to expect to be rewarded for their sins. As he'd told Duo, there were consequences for every action in life. 

The fact he'd taken commercial flights rather than the private shuttles he had at his disposal reflected that nagging doubt in his mind. If things didn't work out with Trowa, at least he hadn't told his family the reason for his visit to Earth, and they still wouldn't be aware of his love affair with another man. Yes, Ali and Iria knew about Trowa, but he trusted them to keep it to themselves. However he knew what would happen if other members of his family discovered his secret. They would have no hesitation in using his sexual orientation, and his love for someone they would deem as a very unsuitable choice of partner, as leverage to get him removed from his position within WE. 

Quatre couldn't help but laugh out loud at the ridiculousness of the situation. He was berating Trowa for not wanting to tell his family, and others, about their relationship and yet he wasn't exactly being up front about it either. 

His earlier assumption that he was an emotional mess was obviously more astute than he'd given himself credit for. It was clearly time to stop thinking and start acting before his over active paranoia and imagination caused any more damage. 

"Please fasten your seat belts, we are about to land at Bern airport." Quatre obeyed the command over the loud speaker, and then settled back in his seat. He'd book his bags into the hotel, and head over to the circus before he got cold feet. Hopefully talking to Trowa would help him see things more clearly. 

Glancing down at the outfit he'd chosen to wear that morning, Quatre smiled, knowing what Trowa's reaction to be. There wouldn't be any danger that Trowa would ignore him, or would be able to ignore his physical response to the tight black jeans and dark shirt Quatre knew clung to his body rather too snugly. At least, he reasoned, if he lost his nerve they'd both enjoy the last love making between them, and have some damn good memories.

He hoped it wouldn't come to that, but Quatre was aware that whatever the next twenty-four hours brought, it would be a changing point in both their lives, for better or for worse. 

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~Fin~

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Author's notes:

[1] During 'A Not So Straight Flush', the story immediately preceding this one. It can be found here – 

The soundtrack for this fic is 'A Thousand Miles' by Vanessa Carlton. 


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